Ghosting

Since the days of my young childhood I've always had a simple fasicnation with the concept of ghosts, but it was not until around my second year of high school that the acute curiosity became a full throttle obsession. My complete understanding of why they sparked such an interest has yet to be fully explored, I cannot give a concrete statement as to what makes them so honestly appealing. Once I had attempted to resolve the curiosity but unfortunately distractions came lurking my way (SCHOOL and high school pressures, hah.) But now, being four years older from that time, no longer obsessing, and having (hopefully) matured, perhaps that question can finally be solved.

When I had first attempted to put thought onto paper, I can recall being slightly frustrated. My initial intent in writing the piece involved explaining what a ghost was and then to elaborate on my perceptions of it. 16 years old, feeling like the whole world believes you are invisible and the only sentence you're able to write is, I am a ghost. Well, you and I both know that that simply stems from being 16. But at that time it was simply an honest statement reflecting my thoughts on how I believed the universe percieved me. Like much of the world population, high school wasn't the best experience of my twenty years of life. Much of it involved a heavy dependancy on others, a pathetic way to just simply not appear alone and avoid gawking eyes. Around that age I was slowly drifting from people whom I thought would be my best friends for life and no matter how long I talked with them or sat in their presence, the isolation continued to grow. In my own head, I honestly was just a ... ghost.

I can remember writing down the word malleable. A ghost is malleable. But malleability and figure change are two different things. I realize that now. In my own terms, ghosts are shape shifters, they are whatever the believer percieves them to be. There is no concrete image of a ghost, that is left to the imaginer. I like that idea, that a ghost can be whatever the believer believes it to be. No right or worng answer, just look between the black and white.

So what is the gray that limbers to and from the spaces of my cerebrum? I'm still unsure. But I know now that it is the one concept that allowed me to explore my 16 year old limitations and to further expand my treading distance in terms of human comfort. I had no idea how to appreciate the time spent alone, never fully acknowledged how freeing the comfort of silence could be. The thought of ghoshting challenged me to break apart from the constraints of my insecurities of being seen on my own. Yes, the comfort of humans was always nice but what use was it when that comfort disappeared? This is where ghosting came into place.

I was ghosting then, I am ghosting now.