14 again.

It's happening again, but this time I know I have the power and the knowledge to change things, to make sure the results don't end her in the hospital. But I'm afraid. I'm not a registered nurse or have much knowledge of mental disorders, but I've seen the damage it can do, and I'm fucking terrified. I don't want to go through that terror all over again, the hushes, the paranoia, the police men and the ambulance. No, not again. 

I have plans, multiple plans, anything, and if worse comes to worst I'll drop out of school. I won't send her back to that dark place, to the metal walls and solitude that she doesn't need. 

I don't know. I'm scared, I'm so fucking scared.

Two years forward.

I have no idea what to do with myself. Clean, clean, clean. I look at my pencils, and tell myself to draw, practice proportions and create, but I don't think I contain that ability anymore. At least not at this moment. My mouth keeps opening and then closing, eating for hours and then nothing at all for days. I've matured two years, but I can't confidently say it was worth it.

I kissed Mark for the very last time this morning.

nationalism?

Today a coworker was relaying to me a tale of a soldier she had met who was placed on display during the Calgary Stampede. This soldier's mission as a trophy display was, of course, to round up potential troops for the Canadian forces. There is quite a story behind this as to how the pair became engaged in conversation, but that is not my focus at the moment. What I would like to address is the soldier's blatant arrogance as well as ignorance towards his own reasons behind joining the army. from the side of the story that I had heard, this man boasted to my coworker of what a 'hero' he [was] for going to Afghanistan, and for 'protecting' his country. I am foolish and naive and would like to believe that the human race doesn't actually contain idiots such as this soldier, or at the very least that maybe I should hear both sides of the story prior to becoming enraged and judging this man, buuuuut that is not happening.

I do understand the need to protect people that you love and care about, and of course innocent people as well, but blunt nationalism has never sided well with me. I do not understand nationalistic people. I don't. Perhaps that makes me ignorant, but I simply do not understand what it means to be so proud of the country you reside in. Or the fact that your nationalism is what leads a human to fight in a war that murders innocent people that is not from your own country, because that is also okay right? Uggghhh. I think I may be comiting a logical fallacy here.

I don't know. I just really needed to vent. I hate everything, and people who think it's heroic to be in a war that has absolutely no meaning. This soldier's response when my coworker began to argue with him about his heroic duty was to childishly tell her off with a 'you don't understand, you don't know what we do out there' No, you are right we don't so then please enlighten us. I'm just so pissed. What do we really know? How accurate is the media that flashes and scars our retinas, trying to enable us to understand the current world around us? How do we know who to trust when our government doesn't even seem all that reliable? Why am I only being awakened to this?!

Nationalism. Fine, it has it's place, I love my home, I love the freedom and welfare that I have, but the car I own has a Canada flag bumper sticker from the previous owner, and every time I look at it I would very much like to gag. I am not a patriotic person, I will assist my home in ways that I deem necessary. Going to war to prove my loyalty is not that way.

fuck everything.

Wonder Woman

I am currently in the midst of exploring the world wide web in search of anything related to body image and how it is currently being represented in the super hero genre of comics. Through this random exploration I found this quote by William Marston, the original creator of Wonder Woman, in regards to why WW began:

"America's woman of tomorrow should be made the hero of a new type of comic strip. By this, I mean a character with all the allure of an attractive woman, but with the strength also of a powerful man. There isn't enough love in the male organism to run this planet peacefully. What women presently lack is the dominance or self-assertive power to put over and enforce her love diaries. I have given Wonder Woman this dominant force, but kept her loving. It is my hope to make this strip as appealing to adults as it has proved to kids.”

Wonder Woman was originally released to world in All-Star Comics #8, issued in 1941.

I suppose that might explain why Marston had that view about woman, but it still makes me want to slap him with my own gold wrist bands.

All I can say is what the fuck

Feminist / Misandrist

This perfectly explains the comment below.

Okay, well not perfectly. (Need to learn to explain myself!!)

The comment that states that chivalry died when women got rights is ignorant, plain and simple. As defined in dictionary.com, chivalry is defined as a gallant warrior or a gentleman. A gentleman is defined as a man who is educated, civilized, and well-mannered. A man performing a chivalrous act is in no way attempting to demean a woman and her rights of equality, it is simply a gesture of kindness.

Although, this is sometimes not the case. I, myself have definitely experienced 'chivalrous' acts where the intent was to prove superiority. It's unfortunate really.

My honest belief is that the simple act of a man holding a door for you is a kind gesture. Chivalry is the simple act of respect and kindness, except more definitive for men. It's unfortunate when men take this to an extreme where they believe that they need to act this way in order to prove that they are 'men'. What's even more unfortunate is that society needed to provide a label for men to act upon.

Chivalry isn't dead, and it most certainly isn't because women got fucking rights. Yes, I understand that there are situations where this case is not applicable, but to make a statement in order to be humorous is more ignorant than anything.

That is my two cents, but I am most certainly open to debate. What better way to broaden the mind then to have someone (respectfully) decline your opinion with intelligent evidence as why they believe so?

Bring it on post-secondary.

Science paper can wait, ignorances' have occured.

"chivalry died when women got rights"
-random fb status, posted by a woman!

this aggravates me. this is so incredibly ignorant, and extremely inaccurate.

Science paper was due 16 mins ago ... will be back to rant later. prepare.

slash

Last night, I turned off my phone, placed it in a box underneath my winter scarves with a note saying, "do not open". I am cutting off communication from the human world, and I'm going to try my damn hardest not to go on to social networks, ie. facebook.

humans are tiresome.

Break Time

Currently, I am facing paper issues most in part to the lack of knowledge I contain for my own passions, especially in regard to the world. I am at a bit of a loss. I'm not entirely sure how to go about an open topic paper related to my own interests. Well, not entirely my own interests, but a topic that I have strong regards for. The assignment is to write an argumentative research paper revolving around a topic that I can closely relate to. Restrictions include topics too philosophically large to be fully explored in 5-6 pages, ie. abortion, euthanasia. We are asked to pick a specific audience, one person that has to be named within the paper as if we are arguing with this person face to face in a confrontational setting. I need to include statistical facts, emotional appeals, and just simply argue fluidly and effectively.

My problem is that I have yet to pick a topic, and for the topics I have attempted to investigate, the realization that it is far too large of an issue to cover begins to sink in. I began with looking for information about sexual education in Alberta, and searched for an editorial where the author believes that Alberta's education system provides a fully functional sexual education program to it's students that is informative and well-taught. NO dice. No nothing, everything too big.

I don't know. This post is bland and awkward like a couple that is left to stare at each other wondering who will be the first to talk about the elephant in the room. I wanted to regurgitate my passions, beliefs, wander into a fiery pit of exclamations and make myself known, not only to the one audience of this blog, but also to myself. So, I suppose no better way to start than now.

The sexual education topic popped into my head because the first topic of debate I wanted, and still want to explore, is sexual assault. I contain very few passions, but there are two that are the most prominent within me: the freedom to speak the wonderings of your mind in whatever medium you believe best suits that idea ( and of course the freedom to rebuttal the idea if that should arise ) and the heavy topic of sexual assault, especially the portrayal of it in the media in Western society.

One girl, every single day is being sexually assaulted in Canada. There are possibly more, but unfortunately there are also only so many women reporting their assaults. That is still one person far too fucking many. Men, boys are also being sexually assaulted, how many cannot be said. There is so much social stigma surrounding the words 'sexual assault' 'rape'. No one wants to admit that they have been raped, that they had another human being impose on one of the things that humans pride that they have control over: their own body.

Freedom in Western society calls to attention that every citizen has the freedom to act in any manner that they should so please so long as it does not impose on the freedoms of another individual ie. murder, physical assault, sexual assault. THESE ARE CRIMES. THESE ARE WRONG. No woman or man is 'asking for it' simply because of their attire. Yes, maybe they are looking for sex, people have physical needs, I most certainly do, but it does not mean that I am not looking for sex in a CONSENSUAL ENVIRONMENT. Just because someone is looking for sex does not in anyway mean that they cannot also feel uncomfortable and may want to turn away from advances. A yes means yes, a no means no. Body language can say yes or no as well.

Do not be that girl, do not be that guy. Do not rape.

...

O man, I just went on an angry tangent. I could say more but I will leave it at that.

Good day.

born losers by matt good.

well, there ain't nothing to do this, but your daughter
and the life you would not give her break your plans.
traipsed across the continent a squatter
for your lies at night to sleep between my hands.

Mad Soul Child

The start of something, anything, that has some sort of significance behind it in where it will lead you always carries the most difficulty in starting. Where are your ideas? Are they any good? What is good anyways? Are you able to portray them in a way that appeals to every viewer? Or just a specific audience?

How the fuck do you know if you can finish it? Whatever IT really is. Ahhhh.

I have ideas, that are froming into projects but that initial thrust is slow and I'm impatient, with myself, with the world, with myself. I cannot expect greatness from the very first complete work. I want it now. NOW NOW NOW. ahhhh. But at the same I don't. I want to be able to say 'I worked hard to get where I am'

Sigh.