I'm inching closer. I'm tired, just so, so, so tired.

My brain feels weird

O how on Earth did I end back on this thing? My brain keeps racing forward and back, and instead of these dumb internal monologues slowing down, they only appear to be accelerating at, unfortunately, a not very alarming rate. They just make me excited and I continue to talk to myself even more. Sometimes in public.

I thought I got through the whole, 'what the fuck' am I doing with myself? Am I? I don't know. I don't know what's enough anymore and what isn't. I have no fucking clue what I'm doing with myself. Have I grown? Maybe a little. But, I'm desperate for love, almost to the point where anything is enough, and then I go back to hating myself.

What is this? Comics is enough. Isn't it? I feel so satisfied every time I complete a project. I see how slowly, but steadily I'm improving in terms of color theory and anatomy, dialogue and plot. I've accomplished so much and will continue to, but I think what I want most is to share that with someone. Someone who will love BUT also hate everything I do. Push me and force me into the potential that I know I have. Sure, I could easily do that myself, but I'm lazy. And lonely. And, well, let's be honest here: horny as fuck.

What have I become?

Semi-Quarter Life Crisis

Holy poops this blog has gotten personal, but I suppose that's the purpose of this thing. It's definitely a great way to vent and re-evaluate my emotions. Possibly learn how to communicate? Perhaps.

Realizations are coming my way, and it makes me content, yet incredibly embarrassed of how much of a late bloomer I am.

When Mark and I were together, the only way I really knew how to communicate was through a blog that only he knew about. Kind of pathetic, huh? One of my older sister's best friends had broken up with her boyfriend, and she had told me the only way he knew how to communicate was through a blog as well. At first listen, I scoffed and laughed at him, and I recall blatantly saying "that's not right, or normal". But, only now I realize, I did the exact same thing. Words are still difficult for me. I don't understand verbal communication, mostly, I think because I lack the confidence to articulate my own thoughts and emotions. I'm like a cat, it takes me a while to warm up to people, unless I'm severely inebriated then everyone is my bestie.

Also, title and post content correlation do not exist in this blog. I'll tell you about my life later. Right now I'm about to head to work, wheeee~

Changes

Holy tits, it has been close to a year since I've since written words here. And man, o man how much has changed.

All I want to say is that I like who I am. There. I said it. Honestly, I can't remember the last time I said those words, or if I ever said them at all. The last time I felt real confidence in myself was likely middle of high school. I can't believe it. I cannot believe I can say those words with a smile.

How wonderful is this life? :)
Pretty damn amazing, I'd say.

14 again.

It's happening again, but this time I know I have the power and the knowledge to change things, to make sure the results don't end her in the hospital. But I'm afraid. I'm not a registered nurse or have much knowledge of mental disorders, but I've seen the damage it can do, and I'm fucking terrified. I don't want to go through that terror all over again, the hushes, the paranoia, the police men and the ambulance. No, not again. 

I have plans, multiple plans, anything, and if worse comes to worst I'll drop out of school. I won't send her back to that dark place, to the metal walls and solitude that she doesn't need. 

I don't know. I'm scared, I'm so fucking scared.

Two years forward.

I have no idea what to do with myself. Clean, clean, clean. I look at my pencils, and tell myself to draw, practice proportions and create, but I don't think I contain that ability anymore. At least not at this moment. My mouth keeps opening and then closing, eating for hours and then nothing at all for days. I've matured two years, but I can't confidently say it was worth it.

I kissed Mark for the very last time this morning.